Mondays are often hard on pastors. Mine, however, usually are quite upbeat. Monday’s are a new time of preparation, a new time to join with God in what is to come.
Yesterday the Lord’s presence in our worship time broke through and a grandmother became a born again child. God allowed me to be His voice telling her of His love, sacrifice, and desire to forgive her past and replace it with His promises.
Needless to say, I was filled with joy and the most wonderful ecstasy that comes with feeling the Spirit enter a soul and seal it. There is little in this life that compares to these experiences.
But then came the evening. Out of duty, I attended an organized religious event. I tried hard to be a positive presence. I prayed continually that God would forgive my negative thoughts and that He would let me see He was present. He answered this prayer in the form of a young music minister.
However, in a moment of unguarded weakness, in a series of quick statements, my Spirit was broken and all my energy went into anger control. The Lord put has hand over my mouth and thus I did not speak. I took slow deep breaths in which both confession and requests for control were the elements of inhale and exhaling. In His mercy I was able to soon leave.
I felt dirty. I felt betrayed. I was overwhelmed with feeling of disappointment. I snapped at the one who I deeply love and jumped into my own wallow of self pity and regret. I made a phone call to one of the offending party. As usual I ended up just leaving a message as it is obvious this person marginalize me some time ago. My thoughts and feeling made me physically sick. I went to bed hoping sleep would bring merciful escape. It did.
This morning, I awoke still carrying the burden of the evening before. I would act upon what had happened the previous evening. I have no doubt God wants me to take such action. But first, I needed to reflect, to meditate upon both the Word and the testimony of greater Saints before. Again, I found a prayer in the Great Cloud of Unknowing. It will be my prayer today.
Who has called me into this cloud of unknowing,
guide me now and always.
Help me to put a cloud of forgetting below me,
that all the things and concerns of this busy life may be nothing to
because of my love for You and Your love for me.
And when You will that I enter into the cloud of unknowing,
let me be still and know that You are God,
Even as You are known by our Lord Jesus Christ.
As I write, I feel the burden being lifted. God is so good.