Holding to Consolation in the Deepest of Desolation


Yesterday I wrote about one of the most wonderful consolations I have ever been given by God. But today, I have been thrown into the deepest desolation.

The role of pastor in this day and age (unless one is a master  of marketing a consumer-driven social structure) is difficult at best and a slow, agonizing, endeavor at its worst. God is always there, but within the mystery of divine love, free-will, and a creation under a curse, the question, “Why, Lord, why?”, becomes a mantra of everyday life.

I know my current sufferings and desolations are nothing compared to what my  Lord experienced, but still, it hurts and hurts deeply. We pray for humility but when that humility comes as we experience ripping and tearing of our integrity, despondency rises in power.

I believe Jesus knew the cross was going to be hard and hurtful, but until it was happening, I doubt he had a pre-consciousness of just how the pain would come and how soul searing it would be.

None of us know when desolation will strike, but we do know it will come. When it comes, there is little we can do to prepare for just how bad it will hurt. Still, like our Lord, we can know it will pass and it will end (though sometimes we wonder if this is true).

So today, I hold to the gift I received yesterday as a child would hold a security blanket or a lover would hold their beloved.

I am aware the issues I now face will likely pursue and disturb me as I seek to serve in a denomination of good accountability but blemished with a few who are willing to use any weakness or perceived error by someone to advance their own status or agenda. Yet, the consolation I was given yesterday reminds me the One I love and serve will open doors no human or diabolical power can close.

For this I am most thankful. Because of Jesus, we always can have hope. Because of Jesus I have hope.

A Gift from Lectio


In my time of Lectio today, I received an echo that deeply touched my heart, my soul, and a place even deeper, a place and presence of mystery which can only be described as a gift. A gift, epiphany, an pouring of pure grace upon me. It came from the words, “Jesus raised his eyes to heaven…” (John 17:1).

It was in these words I found, or I should say I was found by, an awareness and presence that I have no words to describe.

I have been living in a state of semi-constant physical pain (from a back condition for which I am being treated) and from an deep emotional pain from conflict I have a hard time understanding and very little ability to sedate. This has produced times of spiritual despondency and futile worrisome anxiety.

My soul mate has done her best through pray and listening to sustain and support me. I have friends praying and encouraging me, still, the combined pain and spiritual barriers seemed overwhelming. Then came the gift.

Now, at this moment, the pain is insignificant. The conflict has moved far, far away, and I now write in a state of consolation I have missed for some time.

Yes, the eighth rule of St. Ignatius is so true and trustable. Our God’s grace is sufficient. Amen.

Advent, Anxiety, Adversity


This time of the year may be the most wonderful time for many people, but for some it is a time of sorrow, regret, and stress. This is the time of the year the Christian Church looks toward the promise of Advent. A promise of the return of the Lord.
Yet, when I look to the prophets of the past, I find that hoping for the Day of the Lord, is not always a pleasant promise or one of a celebratory perspective.
What a terrible day! The day of the LORD is near; it comes like chaos from the Almighty. (Joel 1:15 CEB)
Doom to those who desire the day of the LORD! Why do you want the day of the LORD? It is darkness, not light; (Amos 5:18 CEB)
The great day of the LORD is near; it is near and coming very quickly. The sound of the day of the LORD is bitter. A warrior screams there. (Zeph. 1:14 CEB)
Look, I am sending Elijah the prophet to you, before the great and terrifying day of the LORD arrives. (Mal. 4:5 CEB)
Now if it seems like I am saying I am not looking forward to the possibility of be accepted by the Lord, I am not. The hope of heaven is the only really hope we have as human beings. What I am saying is I believe Advent needs to be set in the context of not just anticipation, but also in the reality of the Job-like experience some/many people, even Christian people, live.
So, day in and out,
He ran from the doubt,
Never finding earthly peace,
Or any sustained release,
Just seeking to cope,
In the absence of human hope.
Oh, when will come the day,
When at last in the grave
He will lay?

At last!

Advent was a sobering season in the past. The season was so serious, the Church felt in necessary to add a pink candle and have one Lord’s day focus on joy. I fully agree that people need to have times of joy, still, for some any joy is a fleeting, frustrating, and at times futile endeavor.

Yes, I know this post if dark. And no, this author is not in a state of absolute despair (well maybe 97%) and in no way, would consider the even remote possibility of ending life through a self-action.

No matter, even when pain is a constant companion, even when a person feels like the world would be better without them and it could not get worse, be assured it can!

I cannot image, or perhaps I dare not image, what it would be like trying to explain to God why you felt like you had to right to decide to end your own life. There is no excuse or explanation for something so selfish. This is true especially in the light of what God incarnate, Jesus, endured because of human life’s value. What pain could be greater than injustice, betrayal, humiliation, abandonment, crucifixion and descent into hell? Even in the worst darkness, we have no idea.

I am writing this post so that those who read it and are struggling with the feelings this season can stir and aggravate know they are not alone and that it is okay to not feel compelled to be happy, joyful when you are supposed to be (or at least pretend to be) and it is alright to cry out to God, “Perish the day I was born, the night someone said, “”A boy has been conceived.”” That day– let it be darkness; may God above ignore it, and light not shine on it. (Job 3:3-4 CEB)

What is important for those who hope is to one day be accepted into the presence of our Lord is to remain vigilant and endure knowing, “I believe that the present suffering is nothing compared to the coming glory that is going to be revealed to us.” (Rom. 8:18 CEB)

Spontaneous Prayer

Anthony Bloom, in his book, Beginning to Pray, writes, “Spontaneous prayer is possible in two situations: either at moments when we have become vividly aware of God, when this awareness calls out of us a response of worship, of joy, all the forms of response which we are capable of giving, being ourselves and facing the living God, or when we become aware suddenly of the deathly danger we are in when we come to God, moments when we suddenly shout out from the depths of despair and dereliction, and also from the sense there is no hope of salvation for us unless God saves us.”

Knowing this to be true, I write this simple, spontaneous one word prayer bead prayer today.

Invitatory Bead:
Cruciform Beads:
Weeks Beads:
Benedictory Bead:


WIN_20171014_09_56_35_Pro (2)

A Prayer During Darkness

Tragedy is a part of human life. Paradise, as a place of no problems or sorrows, is not a reality when we live in a world of decay and death. We can never know when an accident, a storm, a disease, or another person may act in a way that brings tragedy to our doorstep.

It is not a matter of if, but of when.

In American culture this tension is lessened by our ability to utilize material resources to distract us from this certainty. We are skilled at isolating tragedy and imagining that such things will not happen to us. We are very good at finding ways not to think about the terrors or transforming them into entertainment in which we can hit the reset button or change the channel.

I am told there was a time even in America, when death was more visible, real, and feared rather than denied. A time in which people prepared for the darkness rather than trying to ignore it or escape it. A time in which faith was more prominent and practiced. I believe this is true. I believe it was during a time in which places of worship and spirituality center life in a community rather than being an option on the edge of our culture.

But who am I to question such things.

Still, I pray. I try to prepare. I seek the foundation and relationship needed to face tragedy. I am striving to learn how to suffer with hope. I understand my time will come to endure the darkness. I understand, even in darkness, their is light to be experienced.




“God is light and there is no darkness in him at all.” (1 Jn. 1:5 CEB)

Invitatory Bead:

Oh Lord, in our darkness we need your light. In our struggle against the darkness, bring us to hope. In the pain inflicted by the dark unknown and even darker evil, only you can sustain, only you can rescue. Lord, be my light now, bring light to my prayer.

Cruciform Beads:

You are the one who lights my lamp– the LORD my God illumines my darkness. (Ps. 18:28 CEB)

Weeks Beads:

Because of our God’s deep compassion, the dawn from heaven will break upon us, to give light to those who are sitting in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide us on the path of peace.” (Lk. 1:78-79 CEB)

Benedictory Bead:

Psalm 23


Lord, bless us, protect us from all evil, and bring us to everlasting life. Amen.


Seeking Formation Rather than Information

WP_20130721_003In the days after the resurrection and ascension of Jesus, the responsibility to continue the work of making the Kingdom of God known to the world fell to the disciples. From the influence of their experiences, the teaching they received from the Lord and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit the Way (the first name for the Christian faith) expanded. The Way transformed lives and became salt and light to a world of decay and darkness.

The Church, more than just a social movement, brought power “on earth as it is in heaven” to humankind in the form of a hope in spite of and in place of the world. God created the Church to be the incarnation of God now dwelling the hearts of a people in the process of formation. This process of formation would demonstrate God’s ultimate superiority over humanity’s inclination toward constant self-deception.

Yet, we human beings as we are, still were and are greatly influence by our natural nature to desire to be informed rather than being formed. We still look to information as the power to be equal with God. Such a tendency seems to lead so many on the wide road of seeking the comfort of certainty (an illusion) rather than the narrow road of being shaped by the mystery of perfect love. What a mistake we make when we allow this self-deception to keep us from becoming what God desires for us to be.



I’m sent to bring about the faith of God’s chosen people and a knowledge of the truth that agrees with godliness. Their faith and this knowledge are based on the hope of eternal life that God, who doesn’t lie, promised before time began. (Tit. 1:1-2 CEB)

Invitatory bead:

Forgiving God, I know I shouldn’t live my life like the world anymore. The people of the world base their lives on pointless thinking, and they are in the dark in their reasoning. They are disconnected from God’s life because of their ignorance and their closed hearts.
(Eph. 4:17-18 CEB- paraphrased)

Spirit lead me away from this kind of life!

Cruciform beads:

Don’t be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you can figure out what God’s will is– what is good and pleasing and mature. (Rom. 12:2 CEB)

Weeks beads:

Fear of the LORD is where wisdom begins; sure knowledge is for all who keep God’s laws. God’s praise lasts forever! (Ps. 111:10 CEB)

Benedictory bead:

Lord’s Prayer


Thank You for working Your miracles through me.
Thank you for peace of mind, heart, and soul.
The world and I are One with You,
God of my heart, Breath of my breath, Throb in my veins.
Your loving world is the real one, and my gratitude is profound.
And so it is.




God Does Hold On


No matter who we are, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we pray, there will be times darkness that cannot be avoided. These times may be of our own making, of our reaction to others, or pushed on us by the nature of a fallen, hostile world. When these times of darkness come, there may not be a Bible verse, a prayer, or a comforting word to be heard. We may seem very much alone in our own mental blindness.

What then? Are we to just listen to the negative voices that fill our thoughts during such times? Do we just let the darkness shape how we live or wish not to live? Do we seek to retreat to a place where thoughts cannot follow (so we think) and try to cocoon ourselves in a imaginary world of distractions and denials? Oh, what a temptation the latter offers!

It really doesn’t matter what we do. Such times are likely completely out of our control. We are there in that darkness. We are there, isolated, sick with self-desolation.

Then sometime, through no action of our own, the darkness begins to slightly clear giving us a reprieve, a chance to glimpse, even if briefly, what is in the darkness with us.

It is there we find God feeling everything we feel. We find God, with eyes of sorrow and compassion for our suffering, looking at us, holding on to us even when we cannot or will not feel the Divine embrace. In this time I now pray:


If I hope for the underworld as my dwelling, lay out my bed in darkness, I’ve called corruption “my father,” the worm, “my mother and sister.” Where then is my hope? My hope– who can see it? Will they go down with me to the underworld; will we descend together to the dust? (Job 17:13-16 CEB)

Invitatory Bead:

Thank God the stars are set beyond my power,
If I must travail in a night of wrath,
Thank God my tears will never vex a moth,
Nor any curse of mine cut down a flower

G. K. Chesterton

Cruciform Beads:

If I said, “The darkness will definitely hide me; the light will become night around me,” even then the darkness isn’t too dark for you! Nighttime would shine bright as day, because darkness is the same as light to you! (Ps. 139:11-12 CEB)

Weeks Beads:

Look, I myself will be with you every day until the end of this present age.” (Matt. 28:20 CEB)

Benedictory Bead:

Lord’s Prayer


My crucified and risen Savior,
With your loving  and open heart help me in my darkness,
to know that you are there.
Forgive me O merciful one when I sink into my weakness
and allow personal pity have power over hope.
Lord nothing I go through do I go alone.
You are following in my footsteps.
Take me from the dark.
Hear me now O lord.